Hello everyone! I know that I’m late as per usual, LOL. It’s been a rough couple of days, a lot of anxiety, anger flare ups, illogical arguments, and misunderstandings. Ah FINALS.
Welcome to finals week!
Where people become unbearable and you procrastinate the crap out of all your studying until really the last possible minute. Which is pretty much where I’m at, I have a big essay due Tuesday, a marketing presentation on Wednesday, and a final test on Thursday in a location that I don’t even know. -insert shrugs- Also, work has been consuming my life as per usual. There’s nothing like Holiday Season in retail, especially at Macy’s -cue slightly angry awkward laughing- That’s a whole other story that I will go into detail later.
Recently, there has been a lot happening in my life, and since I have been running on little to no sleep because of school and work. I have barely anytime to think of anyone else other than me and my most basic needs, minus eating because I haven’t been doing that either. Opps. I also haven’t cleaned my room, or done the dishes which makes me feel bad because Sammi always ends up doing all of them. -cries-
So obviously due to that so many misunderstandings have happened. When you’re constantly on a stressful routine with no time to relax in-between, that makes no time for social skills and thinking. For me at least, when I’m in the stressful mood I’ve been, me is my first priority. Hence all of my bad moods, and bad days where I end up being snappy and cold. I’m not going to blame that on anyone else, everyone reacts the way they do and its totally valid, because I know I wouldn’t like it if someone suddenly was mean to all of a sudden. And plus as I’ve previously mentioned Moody Cindy is a bitch.
For example, this semester has been really tense and a lot of weird awkwardness for both myself and one of my suite mates Sarah. (Shoutout to her! Look at me, back to shouting out people like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way).
Due to the lack of communication in the suite between us, it was tense. A variety of insecurities on my part rose, and same on her end and due to that we drifted (naturally). I was going to just let it happen, because being in the mood and state I was in. I thought to myself: “It’s almost the end of the semester, she must be stressed. I’m stressed too. She’s probably not mad at me or anything.”
However, if there’s anything about my anxiety I can tell you about, it’s that it’s constantly telling me that people hate me. I’m always aware of how I appear. People have many times called me a bitch, too cold, too uptight, too emo, too shy, too quiet. I know from many perspectives how people see me, so constantly I’m always aware of how I am seen or what my actions or words can be perceived as. So even though I tried to think of it it as wow, she probably is just stressed a part of me was really insecure about whether or not she was angry with me. My anxiety also works in a way where once I have it in my head that someone is angry with me, it searches through a collection of memories and tries to pinpoint at what word, gesture, time, date, and position where I could have possibly done something wrong. I do this even when people aren’t angry with me, I take faux-pas’s onto a whole other level.
In addition to that, I have a problem. I admit it. I’m too overprotective, and sometimes very stubborn, and at times petty. I can admit that. I’m not perfect, and I’ll never be, and sometimes I strongly believe that I am an antagonist, it’s like I antagonize myself. I’m the mean bitch that no one likes. So I take on the role of being the overbearing protective friend quite often, even when it’s not in my place to do so. So when a friend from home reached out to me and told me about a person in her life that is being a jerk to her. I flipped. She’s the type of friend where you really looked up to her, she’s really independent and does everything herself. So it sucks that this person is standing in her way halting her positivity and happiness.
So when I wrote my blogpost about toxic people, that’s the entire scenario I had in mind. But since things were tense and there was no communication Sarah read it and thought it was about her. Which I totally understand because considering the context and circumstances, it was plausible I won’t deny that. But it was just a giant misunderstanding, as the suite dynamic was the very last thing I had in my mind when I wrote it.
Now, I mentioned how I was going to just not talk to her about it because I figured well another friend drifting away from me, that’s great. I’ve never been good with people anyways, I’m an awful person. But then one day I overheard something that made me really upset, I wasn’t sure if she has been upset and venting but I heard something that really made me feel angry. It stung to hear it. Because even if it was in the heat of anger or wherever it was coming from, it’s hard to unheard something once it’s been heard. Especially if it’s something that can be connected back to your anxiety. So after that I decided, that no I am not going to be immature and continue to live in my anger or tension. Plus, I know Sarah, and I’ve known her for about two years now. There’s no way she would ever think or say something like what I overheard.
So I talked to her about it in our common room kitchen, with an audience of one Mr. Julio Villegas (HIS BOOK IS OUT TOMORROW! WOOT). He was really funny he just did the dishes and cleaned, I love it. -wipes tear- Anyways, it was so crazy. Going into the conversation, I was going to throw up I hate confrontation. And I only call it that because back in the hood, aka my hometown of dorchester, lovely place. Every conversation used to mean, bro you fucked up and now you gotta handle the consequences. Which meant you’re going to get beat up. So from that every convo I go into, I have that anticipated which makes me anxious and at time panic. Which I almost did. But Sarah was really open to it which was nice.
And what I also liked was what that this time I went in with my manager’s, Jocelyn, advice in mind. Go into every conversation objectively, just be honest and try to find a solution and talk about what personally is making you feel ABC. Be objective and logical. Sarah and I both did that and it was amazing, we worked through everything and more!
We talked about my life, her life, the suite, the future, it was kind of weird. And after awhile all my anxieties slightly disappeared. It was very positive and uplifting, I think afterwards I decided what was better for me as finals comes to a close and the new semester peeks around the corner.
I think that even if things remain tense between the other suite mates with myself, at least I have some comfort and closure from her that makes me pull myself out of the hole of anger I dug myself into. Which is why I won’t address what I overheard, and instead of letting it simmer in my head. I’m trying to move on from it, and let it be something that helps me grow. I’m still immature, and I’m still angry, also I’m upset about the circumstances in which I heard it.
And sometimes I’ll admit I’m not nice/kind, but I can appreciate the fact that the people around me can see that I’m still growing. I’m only nineteen, I think that I am really trying my best to discover myself as well as lead a positive lifestyle. I want to thank Sammi, Sarah, Emily, Kim, Kevin, etc. They all are very supportive, they can see my mistakes/flaws as well as be on the receiving end sometimes of my cold shoulder during my moody phases yet they can still see and believe in me. They are still supportive, and they choose to believe that I’m a good person even when I don’t believe in that myself.
That makes me really emotional, and I rarely do get emotional. -weeps seriously- See? But really I really appreciate you all, you don’t know how much you all mean to me. Which is why I wanted to write this post, very high key. Also it goes back to, you really are who you hang out with. They are so spirited, and they keep me grounded but will never give up on me or narrow me down to be just a petty, moody, irritating person. And for that I want to thank them for believing in me even when I don’t.
AHEM. BUT CHEESY SENTIMENTAL MOMENTS ASIDE. It’s always Christmas time that puts me in this sentimental, let’s cuddle and eat sweet peppermint cupcakes kind of mood.
But moving on BTS! Woo! THE TICKETS ARE RANDOMLY GOING TO BE DROPPED ON US. I thought it was going to be like in January or February, but apparently WEDNESDAY IS THE DAY. -cries, sobs, starts weeping- I CANNOT BELIEVE IT’S WEDNESDAY. THE DAY THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE MY MARKETING PRESENTATION. I literally am in class until 3:45, and 4PM is when the tickets drop! -clenches fists-
I MUST BE IN THE 500 TO BE IN SOUND CHECK I NEED TO SEE BTS UP CLOSE. JIMIN, V, SUGA, JUNGKOOK, JOONIE, HOSEOK, JIN. -weeps into hands excitedly-
I’ve been weeping these days. Let’s throwback to before my sentimental moment, about holiday season in retail. TODAY WAS A HORRIBLE WORK DAY. Customers all came in to return something today and I couldn’t have left today with more than 500 in sales, because every time I sold something another person returned something. And that’s not even the worse part, due to my lack of sleep came the impatience and inability to deal with customers.
And were they a doozy today.
First of all, everyone was in a crabby mood today because when the customers are crabby then that means the sales associates are crabby. And that we all were. We were so understaffed that we didn’t have time to take off the sales tags, and so some of it was still labeled despite the one day sale (ONE DAY) is over, and these people had to fight hand and foot to get these shoes for 17.99 rather than 39.99. To the point where they walked around parading like they owned the store demanding to see a manager. And of course, since some managers are too nice. They got away with it. Scam artists let me tell you. They only knew about the 40% and because someone let it slip it was $17.99, and then they were set on it. And they got it for way cheaper.
AND THEN, this woman cuts in front of this line without apologizing and asks me for a 6 and a half boot. I grab it for her, and she wants to buy it. I ask her if she wants to try it first because she said she’s a 6-6.5. So you would think why not just try it on so that it is for sure a fit and or if not so I can switch it. BUT NO. Instead she buys it and then goes. “Let me go try it on now.” And lo and behold it didn’t fit and she asked my co worker for a six. Let’s just say I almost yelled at her. Very close to.
So tell me, does everyone that comes in to return things have a vendetta against everyone working? Like is it my fault that your life sucks? No. Why is it that you have to come in and belittle/yell at me?
For example this lady, had a return, because we shipped her the wrong shoe and by we I mean Macy’s not our direct department. I have no idea how shipping even works in our store. But she got the wrong shoe but paid for another shoe, the shoe she got is $200 dollars, but she paid for a $50 shoe. But she wanted the return in the full 200, but like she didn’t because if she returned it then it would cancel her transaction and order. So I was trying to figure out what she wanted me to do with the entire thing. And she stops me more than once, and gets frustrated. So.
She starts speaking slowly, as if I was stupid, saying that I didn’t understand what she was saying. Then going as far as to start screaming at me when I didn’t understand her, I wasn’t sure what she wanted because when I was going through the return she said no, but then she said yes. so I canceled it, and she’s glaring at me. Thus, I got someone else to help her instead before I freak out and had a breakdown in front of everyone. Luckily, after her and like four more returns it was time for me to go. I was stressed and ready to run out. So I made sure the woman who thought I was slow saw me as I left in my jacket with a glare on my face.
Well maybe I am pretty petty. I’m working on it. 😉
ANYWHO, I’m well aware I am behind on my blogpost challenge -cry cry- like five days now. I have it all in my drafts, I also am working on that fic rec list and the CBX album that I still haven’t listened to yet. When finals are over I promise, omg.
And lastly, for my third main topic, music. I wrote this entire fic while listening to great music, that really cheered me up and picked me up from my slump. Like I feel a lot better now.
Update: (This is what happens when I leave a post undone and come back to it the next day) JULIO PUBLISHED HIS BOOK, his launch was today and I’m super proud of him although whatever RapMon means when he signed my book. -shift eyes- Hm. Anyways I’m so proud of him! He deserves all the recognition and attention for his writing! ❤
I’ve recently been trying to listen to music more, and since I was in a terrible mood. I decided to see if a spotify playlist can soothe my thoughts. And surprisingly it did! Spotify is A1 for that tbh. I’ve been listening to this playlist made by Andrea Russett, it’s called “F**k You :)” It’s very angry but empowering songs, if that makes sense. Some of them are about people, while some are about life. It just kind of picks you up, and puts you in a better mood. Music really does heal.
It’s like while listening to this music, while doing something like homework or some creative drawing, etc. All your emotions pour out of you into a different outlet rather than yelling, or bitching about it to your friends. Without it, I would’ve just spent my time talking/ranting about it. Luckily, I thought about listening to music before I started bitching about a situation I didn’t know the context of or talked myself into angry thoughts. Remaining calm is the best when you want something to end well. Being objective and quickly trying to move on is the best strategy.
I’ve also been listening to fucking F**K IT on repeat today, it’s been a delightful experience because it’s been forever since Big Bang has done song much less two MVs and an album. I don’t stan them as hard as I should but they’re talented and the two songs are mad lit.
If ya’ll ever feel like you need songs to cheer you up from an angry fueled day:
#1: Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
#2: Playing With Fire – BlackPink
#3: Cypher 1,2,3, & 4 – BTS
#4: Goodbye – Kristina DeBarge
#5: So What – Pink
#6: Fake Love – Drake
#7: The Entirety of Agust D – Suga/Agust D/Min Yoongi
#8: Bermuda Triangle – Dean, Zico, and Crush
#9: F**k It – Big Bang
#10: Monster – EXO
These songs really did it for me.
Now let me go ahead and start my however long essay -cries- I don’t even know.
Until next time, stay positive and have a great day/night!