New Years, Sickness, & Kim Taehyung!

Happy New Years Eve, as I’m writing this it is 7:12 PM, who knows how long it’s going to take before I post this, so it might be New Years. If so I’ll add a random update in the middle of the post. -insert laughing iPhone emoji-

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Hey, welcome to 2017 let’s do this. -imitates Jackson & fails – Also this post is gonna be mad long, so sorry in advance. ❤

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!

I am only typing on caps on here because I want you all to know how excited I am for the New Year, New Years is my favorite Holiday because it’s always so positive. Even the debby downers have to admit that next year might be better than this current one. And because I haven’t gotten my voice to work correctly all day.

That’s right, I’m sick. And knowing myself and my immune system it will probably destroy me this time around. I’m the type of person where I will be completely fine for awhile and my immune system fights off infections for a bit making me healthy for the most part. But then when I am finally not doing anything and is not busy, it will ambush me out of nowhere and this time my immune system does nothing about it and the sickness hits me hard. -cries- That’s how I’m feeling, and I know I feel terrible because it’s only 7:40 now and I already want to sleep through the next month.

BUT. That doesn’t matter, because we all die right? -thumbs up-

Let’s talk about 2016!

What a year this has been.

Just yikes.

It’s an extensive story for another time, when the wound isn’t fresh. Trust me, it’s a roller coaster ride that I didn’t sign up for. Because one, I hate roller coasters, and two I literally have no time to ride these roller coasters.

But AHEM.

Overall, other than that one large emotional roller coaster, the rest of 2016 has been pretty swell actually! I’m literally trying to think of negative things other than that, but really I can’t think of anything. And I’m not sure if that’s because I repressed (highly likely), or because I’m so trained to be positive that I don’t let the negatives outweigh positives anymore. Either way, that makes me really happy. I feel like sometimes people hold onto the negatives so much and let the positives become the ones that are forgotten, and enjoyed in the moment. Don’t let one person or one event ruin your whole year! There’s a lot more to 365 days than just that 1 to 7! 🙂

So thanks to this thought process, I realized 2016 was a rather decent and even leaning good year for me!

I got a job this year! And it has been officially six months since I have been hired as a Sales Associate at Macy’s in the Women’s Shoes Department. Everyday it’s almost as if I just started to be honest, but that’s because we change the floor plans every few months for some reason. But that’s okay, I’m slowly adapting. Despite the irritating, and very obvious cons of working in retail. I can’t say I hate my job, it introduced to a whole new group of people. All with different characteristics, many of which make me laugh, some of which I admire, and others I appreciate accepting me into the department even though I obviously am clueless 70% of the time.

It also helped a lot with my anxiety, this isn’t for everyone but for my anxiety, which consists of talking to strangers and speaking on phones. The job really helped. I think that many of us have the fear of people not liking us, or being mad at us, or people not understanding us. However at this job there’s no way I can avoid people, it’s a customer service job. It’s talking to people, getting to know who they are what their motives are for being there, and how to sell them the shoes that they want. You meet all types of people, and some are really nice to you. They appreciate you, they write notes/compliments, they thank you, etc. There are people who hate you, whether it be from the minute they walk in or after you bring them a variety of different shoes. The transaction is simple, you grab the shoe they want. They either buy it or they don’t. If they hate you, then that’s fine. You might never see them again, and even if you do it’s fine because they are nothing to you other than a customer. Maybe one that you’ll always remember, and one day even laugh at the memory of.

It takes getting used too, but I wasn’t going to let my anxiety with talking to people and having them be mean to me force me into a corner. I need the money, and the experience for my future. Am I going to let a couple of mean Macy’s customers stop me from achieving what I want achieve? Am I going to let them stop my mental/emotional growth? No. So I kept going despite (as you all know) wanting to quit. And now? I don’t feel antsy when strangers stop me and ask me for directions, I can call customer service lines, and talk to customers over the phone without panicking. I can lead and end conversations without feeling nervous or awkward, and the self-doubt at the end of speaking or a conversation is slowly decreasing to minor occurrences. I guess you can say that my job helped me realize the extent of my anxiety, and somehow helped me get used to it and overcome it slightly at least to the point where it won’t stop me from working.

Alongside getting a job, I think I discovered a large part of my life this year. In addition to learning the extents of my anxiety, I also started to notice what things I liked and what things I didn’t like more clearly. I used to be very wishy-washy, and tailored my answers and tastes to match that of the other person I’m with however this year I feel like I really put my foot down and decided instead what I actually felt. Also letting myself follow through with whatever the bandwagon was. This year though I came to terms and accepted all of my fears, all of flaws, and emotions. I think this is a wildly important and great step in my life, I used to just bottle up everything (as I mentioned in this post about my parents 🙂 )

My career goals are much more clear now! I do know what I want to be specifically now, and if not that then I have a backup. And if I want to do my dream job, I have preparations for that as well. I also have future plans to move into an apartment with Emmy and Sammi, and then we’ll have BOBBA! MY FUTURE CHILD. Once I have the money for him that is, but I also know what I want in Bobba’s future. I’m going to try to register and train him into becoming a therapy dog. I think that it’ll be a new and exciting adventure for me.

AND THEN MOST IMPORTANTLY.

I had one the best KPOP years! I got so much merch this year, my collection is growing. -cackles slightly- Thanks to KPOPMART & Redbubble tbh. Once we move into the new apartment, I’m going to have a shelf! I’m so excited :).

I went to EXO’luxion concert in New York (New Jersey). It was an experience, let me tell you. (Actually copied and pasted from an essay from research writing -wink-)

When I say that I have never seen anything like Newark, I mean I have never seen anything like Newark. Boston is always buzzing with people, crossing the street, on their phones, heading down the sidewalks to get to different places. However Newark resembled more of a construction site, with people here and there but for the most art it seemed like a large area that was empty of the usual buzz that I was so used to. The air smelled different, the people seemed different, and once more the feeling of vulnerability and panic filled my body. Gripping my phone in hand I tried to find out where the Prudential Center was. Being me, I planned my entire trip so that I would arrive four hours early at the fear of being late and then getting lost in the city. After walking around in circles, no thanks to Siri, I found the center. I only knew it was the right place when I saw a long line of people waiting across the street in merchandise belonging to EXO.

I was four hours early, still, and I came alone unlike the many people who came with their friends. It seems as if everyone was already in their little groups and talking amongst themselves. I was never one to be able to start conversations in situations like this. (Before Macy’s! Ha!) I mean I could’ve went up and asked, “Hey EXO is in town, are you guys excited?” or maybe “Who’s your favorite member of the group? Mine is Chanyeol!” However I just ended up opening my mouth then closing it, at the irrational fear that the minute I start talking to them they’ll judge me for whatever reason I could have came up with in the moment. So I stood off to the side, glancing back and forth to try and find someone who was standing alone as well.

No one was.

It also wasn’t like I could have took out my phone and used it to pass time, because I figured I would need it to film and take photos during the concert. If I used my phone then, it would most likely die and I would be upset that I couldn’t document my time at the concert. Which would be horrible tbh.

Being alone and by myself has always freaked me out in the sense that if anything happens to me then there is no one around to save me, and that I have to be able to fend for myself which is something that I am not used to. I have never had to defend or protect myself before, I have protected other people, but never just myself. My mother has always been dependent on me, our relationship is still strained because of it, since she constantly needs my help with finances, translating things, protecting her from my alcoholic of a father. I always was strong when I was around her because I had to, since she could not. However, here I was in Newark feeling vulnerable, worried, and anxious for the first time by myself.

It seemed my fears and anxiety were calmed when my younger high school friend and her friends found me in the crowd. They graciously accepted me into their group and stood with me so I had someone to talk to instead of just standing there and doing nothing for four hours. It seemed that the troubles only continued from there. The concert started an hour late, and they started letting people into the venue very slowly. The security, one by one, slowly let a crowd of at least two thousand of us in. It was all procedure and for our safety, but walking through the metal detector, body scanning machine, with both hands up made me feel more like a criminal honestly than a concert goer.

The concert was everything that I had hoped it would be. I never thought I would be on my own at this concert watching the very people that I have seen on my laptop screen everyday of my life. Someone who I idolize and watch on entertainment shows, literally in front of me. The seat was not close enough for me to touch them but it was close enough for me to see everything and take amazing photos, to be honest. During the concert, I came to the conclusion that I sat next to a bunch of very interesting characters.

To my right was the girl that ignored my presence, she was with her friend and they whispered throughout the concert rather than screaming like the rest of us. In fact, mid way through the concert she sat down in her seat and took out opera binoculars, the ones that you see in movies that women hold to watch whatever is on stage. She was holding it like we were at a theater sitting next to me with her legs crossed in front of her.

Behind me, was an older woman who looked like she was in her early thirties. She was decked out in all EXO gear, and her husband next to her had a beer in hand looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. He proceeded to death glare her and the members on stage the whole show. Since the concert was in New Jersey, but technically it was “EXO in New York” the members kept on calling the crowd New York, however it was most likely a joke or they honestly had no clue what the difference between New York or New Jersey was. They are from Korea.

However it seems that this man, who I assume is bitter that his wife or girlfriend is more interested in EXO than him has become upset. So every time they speak (which is Korean, and then translated), he would quip: “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?” and every time they mentioned New York, he shouted correcting them that, “IT’S NEW YORK, YOU IDIOTS!” I took offense that he yelled at my favorite group, however it was amusing when he immediately went back to sulking when his partner glared back at him.

Then in front of me was a family who has two daughters all about ten years old. The girls look very excited and happy watching the members sing and dance, and the two parents looked a mixture of different emotions. The mother was at first intrigued then became bored and spent the rest of her time on Facebook scrolling through her timeline. The father was confused, and spoke loudly to his wife that he did not understand the appeal of these boys. Although, later on I had caught him dancing to more than one of the songs. Eventually I think he became tired and sat down and worked on business from his phone. Thankfully so, because his head was in the way of my camera. (White men. LOL.)

The concert was over. The only problem left was how to get back to Boston, and I for one was not ready to leave this concert and walk towards Penn Station in Newark at night. I have not heard the best things about the city, in fact I only heard negative things and that added to the fear of being alone, and the dangers of the night made me want to grow wings and fly my way there. And to add to that, it was raining. In my head, again, I was jumping to worse case scenarios, as I usually do. What if I get abducted from the streets by some random people I have never seen in my whole life? What if I get lost and go in circles around the dark, lonely streets until I become insane? What if I get lost and then arrive at Penn Station late for my train and be left with no where to stay? My anxiety jumping from place to place as I walked behind the large group of fans hoping in my head that they were heading towards the station, and not their hotel or anything. Luckily, they were going to the station!

Again, my over planning backfired. It was only nine o’clock, the only train that I could book last minute was a train that came at 1:30 AM. So that meant I had to wait at the station for four more hours before my train arrived to take me home. Four hours of sitting alone in a station after a concert in a state I have never visited before. I almost pitied myself at that moment.

In an attempt to calm myself down, and find some familiarity I turned on my phone and called my suite mates to tell them about the concert, and right after I hung up my phone died. I looked around for a possible outlet that I can station myself at, although I found none. Except for this one charging station, but the charger for my iPhone didn’t work thus it was pointless standing there trying to make it work. I walked back to the main waiting room and noted the long line of EXO fans buying tickets to go home, I sat on one of the empty chairs and sat bored staring at the time on the screen. A lot of pigeons flew around me as I tried desperately to avoid them, startled by their random appearance in the station. I realized I was exhausted, and out of energy. I was really about to fall asleep in a station that I just visited for the first time, around people who I have never seen before. What if people rob me? What if the people laugh at me because I look so pathetic? My anxiety kept me up.

I eyed the people sitting around me warily before hearing my stomach let out a sound in protest. I winced remembering that I had only eaten fries that day, and that was before the concert at 2:00PM (the concert started at 7:00PM). I quickly got up to my feet and walked towards the food stands in the station, making a quick bathroom break before going my way. I went into a convenience shop and bought mini pizza flavored bites, a slim jim, and water. After buying the food, I walked towards the waiting room again. It was the room I was most familiar with, with the most people, and thus made me feel safer than the other areas of the station. I sat down near the information booth, right in front of the transit times. I took a few bites of the pizza biscuits, finished the slim jim, and chugged a third of my water before stuffing it back in the bag and putting it under my seat. I took out my last source of entertainment, my journal. It was a black leather covered journal given to me by my roommate for my Christmas. I started writing about whatever I heard, saw, or smelled around me.

There were a bunch of homeless people who had taken residence in the station and they brought with them a foul odor, that made me want to cry. Both at the smell, and at the fact that they cannot help but smell like so. It was also very interesting to see how the police officers in the station handled the homeless people, they were very hostile, had very tough exteriors, and as expected very discriminatory. They started sitting on the ground because of the lack of seats there are, and the officers only kicked them telling them to get up. They then proceeded to direct them all into one corner and tell them to stand there. They were all elderly, they were frail- looking, pale, and not to mention tired.

I was also those things (minus old), and for a second I made the connection between me and the homeless people. I understood how they felt in that moment, probably embarrassed, upset, and annoyed. So when I had sat on the floor for the same reason I was expecting to be yelled at in the same manner but the officer politely told me that the floor was dirty and that I should not be sitting down on the floor. He even recommended me to a waiting room upstairs by my Amtrak that had more seats.

So I walked into the waiting room that the officer suggested. Next to me in the waiting room, was a couple. They did not speak English so I did not know what they were saying, so I continued doodling in my notebook. However then they started to throw in random English the middle of their conversations. I caught onto bits and pieces and in my journal recreated a story about them. The woman who I named Maria was talking to her boyfriend, James, about how she took a break off of work for the next week for her birthday. She is expecting a really big surprise for her birthday, maybe surprise vacation tickets or a present. Either way she wanted him to also stay home with her for the week, and spend her birthday week with her. James, unsure if he intentionally or accidentally, ignored her. He started talking about how she has been avoiding him, he claims that she has not been answering his phone calls and accused her of infidelity. She defends herself talking about how she has just been talking to her best girl friend and he is just being irrational. She proceeds to wave her phone in his face, he grabs it from her and reads through her recently called list.

I shifted my attention away from them and down at my notebook full of notes. I must’ve been really bored if I had the time to create that whole narrative in my head. I looked at the time and noticed there was a strong two hours left before the trial got here. Someone sat next to me and started talking to me, it was a girl and luckily she was wearing an EXO sweater. Meaning in my head, she was an ally. She introduced herself to me as Bri, and she was on the same train as me back. She was getting off at Providence instead, being that she attended Brown University. We talked about the concert, who our favorite members were, what songs we liked the best, and shared our recordings with one another. It was nice, that at least I had someone there I could talk to. Although her company was nice, about thirty minutes later I was drifting in between being asleep and being awake. I honestly thought that I would have slept on the ground of Penn Station, if the train does not arrive soon. We both waited together, trying hard not to inhale too much air due to the sudden strong smell of the odor coming back.

The homeless people trying to make conversation with us. One woman spoke to us about her paranoia, she claims that one of her other friends who was like her was arrested for passing out at Penn Station. She was freaked out as sirens passed by the station, and nearly launched onto Bri. I just watched, unsure of what to say or do. Eventually she turned away and launched onto an officer nearby telling him the same story. He only brushed her off and made her go stand on the side, while they clean the station floors. Bri and I exchanged glances and then looked at the time, excited that it was 1:00AM.

Walking on the train, we decided to sit next to one another and before we could even make small conversations about other things. I fell asleep, my head bouncing against the window as the train began moving. In my dream, I remembered that I had a class at 8:30AM at Emerson, and that I could not skip the class since we had a pitch presentation for my Marketing class. The presentation was on Krispy Kreme, and never in my life have I hated donuts more than during this train ride home. I woke up just before Bri left the train arriving in Providence. I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Now if you thought that station was foul, that bathroom would have killed you. It nearly killed me. Walking in not only was everything damp, and wet, with substances that I do not want to acknowledge. The smell of what could only be pee, sweat, feces, and whatever else mixed together swarming around in the locked room. I could have held it in, really, but I decided that would not be healthy so I decided to go ahead and pee anyways. Unfortunately I dropped my hair tie on the ground and it touched the liquid stained floor, I quickly went to get it using toilet paper only for it to get stuck on the ground. The smell of the room really hitting me, leading for me to try and hold back the bile that was about to come out of my throat. Literally I was about to throw up. I left the hair tie there, with no intention of ever touching it again and washed my hands throughly for ten minutes, lathering it in soap before wiping my hands dry and scurrying back to my seat. Sitting back down, I realized that if I could go to the bathroom in that biohazard, I can do anything.

I quickly fell back to sleep, dreamless this time, I never wanted to sleep on my pillow so bad. I missed my pillow, my hard mattress, the freezing temperature in my suite, my double blankets. It was as if I could see myself from outside my body. I sat in a chair curled up under my light jacket with my purse tightly in my grasp next to me so no one takes my stuff while I was sleeping. When I woke up we just past Back Bay and I realized I only had one more stop before I was back home to college. I looked at the time and I groaned realizing that by the time I had arrived at South Station, it was 8:00AM and I had class in thirty minutes. I quickly walked home avoiding the stares I received, and I probably smelled horrendous. I past my suite mates on the way up to my room. I did not have to time to even shower, I brushed my teeth, grabbed my laptop and my backpack before running off to class.

^This actually happened this year. AND THAT BATHROOM WAS REALLY GROSS YO.

Also I believe I got an A on that paper for Research Writing -wink- yo girl is actually a pretty alright writer.

I also went TO KCON THIS YEAR! -screams-

I bought a shit load of albums and posters. -cries- It was so much fun to be in a place where everyone is in love with the stuff that you love. And the people that you love. The dancing to kpop songs, the merchandise, I WAVED A JRE from JREKML, I almost met him but we had to line up for KCON GA, Day 2. So. You can imagine my disappointment I couldn’t meet Jre because of the need to line up.

BUT KCON WAS SO MAGICAL. I can’t explain it, seeing them so up close. And being able to hear them live, and having singing and dancing. Yo, let me put this into perspective for people who don’t love kpop in the way I do. Imagine going to a Justin Bieber, One Direction, Beatles, -insert your favorite musical groups/artists here- and standing GA and seeing them in person for the very first time. IT’S LIKE OMG THOSE GUYS FROM MY LAPTOP SCREEN!

Although we were mainly there to see BTS. I got to touch Ailee during Hi-Touch, I got to see Mamamoo who I’ve been stan-ing recently, I developed my love for Crush at KCON, Into You became my summer jam from Eric Nam (who walked in front of me, and I didn’t notice -sweatdrop-). I mostly remember the second day more because, to be completely honest I was too short during the first day and didn’t get to see anyone in great detail.  I need platform shoes is the conclusion I’ve come to.

ALSO I got my suite mates into KPOP, like not even basic level like super deep. Theory deep into KPOP. Through BTS, to Big Bang, to EXO, to Jay Park, it’s just a journey for them now. And it’s too late to turn back!

AND OF COURSE HOW CAN I FORGET I STARTED MY BLOG THIS YEAR! -cheers- And it’s going somewhat strong, I have a lot more views then I thought I would. Which is like crazy. I don’t know how I’m going to slowly become more popular, but eventually I’ll get there! ❤

Ugh, I’m so sick. I feel congested, and my eyes are practically half closed while writing this but after this I have to continue my challenge and the rest of the drafts. And I want to Sim at some point. -cries- When you have to make a priority to chill before sleep because you don’t want your life to be just work.

Anywho 2016 is almost over it’s 8:50 now, and it’s time I make some goals for next year. Or as some might say, New Years Resolutions. NEW YEAR NEW ME BETCHES.

Lmao. Just Kidding. 🙂

I’m going to set up some goals that I won’t force myself to complete, however it would be great if I did.

  1. Start actively using my planner/a planner.
  2. Go to the gym.
  3. Blog on time.
  4. Fine an apartment.
  5. Buy more merch.
  6. Have Bobba!!
  7. Clean more.
  8. Learn Korean.
  9. Do Yoga/Become flexible.
  10. Be Happy! ❤

And to end this post on someone way better than me.

KIM TAEHYUNG! It was his birthday yesterday (in the states).

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TAE TAE! ❤

And that’s it for the post, until New Years & 2017! Good vibes until the end, and into the New Year! ❤

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