HELLO ALL. I broke away from my three topic title format to let you all know that I have rose from the dead. -thumbs up-
-crawls out of hole on the ground and flips hair fabulously-
YES I’M HERE, and in the spirit of 2017 and the basic term “new year new me” I cleared out all of my drafts, failed my personal challenge, and am not going to post the album reviews I promised. Because now, it’s too late. You get me? I have to stick with the times.
-claps while weeping-
SO. This year I’ve decided to create a new blogging schedule and format to make sure that the content remains relevant and also constant. No one wants to follow a dead blog, am I right? SO THAT IS EXCITING! Woo! So since I’m going to add more content, it means I’m going to expand on topics.
From ranking videos, and ranking lists. To variety show recommendations. Etc. Ambitions. I am a very ambitious person, as you all probably can tell!
Update: Did you all see the new layout? IT’S BLUE. My favorite color.
Anyways this semester is off to an interesting start, I almost quit again but that’s because I’m a weenie, and almost let myself give up to negativity.
Being home and away from college was so bad for me, it was so toxic. Added to the fact that I was dying -dramatic gasp- Just kidding, I had a very bad cold and couldn’t stop coughing or really hear anything clearly. But it didn’t go away for a bit. Yeah, being home was just really bad for me. Whether I fell into post-semester depression, or just really hated being around my parents again. It sucked the energy and life out of me, and I was in that state for awhile going into this semester.
For awhile I fell into a very negative mental space, in which I was disappointed in myself for not being able to motivate myself or to be positive. I kept thinking, why am I like this? Why can’t all of this go away? Why can’t I just forget about the people that made me feel like this? And I slipped severely into a shell of who I was. And I knew I was spiraling, which makes me so much more critical of myself. Having depression and anxiety is really tough, because while I’m lying down with the urge to cry about how mundane and routine my life us. My anxiety enforces it and makes it almost tenfolds worse. While I’m lying down, incapable of moving and getting myself to a state of happiness, in a state of where I can sell shoes and pretend like everything’s fine. On days where I force myself to go to work, I feel like I’m useless being there. I’m not productive, I’m not happy. I’m not doing as well as I want myself to. Which makes me even more anxious.
What if I disappoint my manager? I already asked her for so many schedule reductions, like why can’t I be good enough and like other people where I can just handle whatever days I have to work. She must already be angry with me because I’m being so strange at work, and not working as much as I should. My coworkers must be so mad with me because I’m not working up to par with them, and that I’m so annoying being so self-deprecating all the time. So I stopped talking to my manager and my coworkers, and only really let myself deal with the anxiety and try to move on.
Thus I was like I call out all the time because I’m useless at work anyways, so why not just quit because I suck? Basically, that’s where my mind was for awhile and then up until I tried to quit. My manager luckily gave me some tough love, and reminded me that my behavior although is understandable is not professional in a work place and that no other job places would allow me to wallow like I was. She told me her frustrations with me, and to be honest it hurt. But it was one of those conversations where it hurts to be told you have caused so much trouble and to be heard that someone thought you were taking advantage of them, but it was good to hear. It was honest, blunt, hurtful, and real. It was nice for a change to hear it. And although I’m still thinking about it, and quite frankly still feel awful about myself. I decided not to quit, she was right.
I have a lot of goals, and I need a job to get there. She thankfully reduced my schedule to just eight hours a week, with an ability to pick up extra shifts whenever I need to. I decided to keep the job despite a lingering feeling of general panic that this awful feeling of insecurity and disappointment was going to come back. That I was going to continue being self-loathing, and further disappoint everyone including myself. I was like “what if one day, I wanted to quit again? Just like the last two times?” But I kept the job anyways, not for my manager, not for my coworkers and not for me. I want to learn how to work through my periods of self-loathing, and darkness. Rather than just giving up when things get hard, and I can’t get myself back to 100% again. Try going in with at least 70% and trying to get through it without letting my anxiety telling me I’m not good enough. My manager was right, this is not going to cut it at other jobs.
Other jobs would see my mental illness, be like okay you have that. But like you still have to work, and they’re not going to accept you feeling like shit as an excuse for not putting full effort into your work, or not showing up to work.
So I’m going to try and push myself through it. For myself, I don’t want to become dysfunctional and just slip into a shell of what I’m supposed to be.
SO THAT’S WHERE I’M AT! -throws confetti in the air-
In addition to that, I’m trying to refocus into school. I’m doing a lot this semester from reading/doing all of my homework to joining clubs to begin marketing for them for the experience to trying to find an internship. I also have to sleep and eat more, and work now with a good attitude and happy thoughts. So yeah a lot. But I can do it, because if I don’t. Then the world moves on and I’m left in the dust.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I have a new addition to the family ya’ll. No I’m not pregnant.
I bought a new baby the other day, with my employee discount!
This is Monie, as in Rap Mon-ie. My new Keurig, coffee and tea maker. My new precious child. Isn’t he so cute? That’s right, I have my own caffeine maker now thus my life saver. -cries emotionally-
I’m already so emotionally attached, although I was eyeing up another coffee machine at Target today. But only because it was blue, and blue is as I have stated before MY FAVORITE COLOR!
^ All caps, means I’m excited. Just in case you didn’t know.
Here’s me and Monie, bonding. More like he’s making me a french vanilla coffee, and I watch content at how he’s so perfect and cute. -le cries-
But anyways, I just came back to tell ya’ll everything last year is cancelled or discontinued and there will be much much more content this year. On this blog, and my Youtube channel! 🙂
Until next time, good vibes! REMEMBER YOU CAN BE HAPPY! There’s a lot in store for your future and your happiness