Wow, what a negative trio for a title. Good job, Cindy. Hey well.
It’s been a tough week. -stretches-
^ Isn’t Hwasa shining like the sun? Love her omg. -weeps-
So I’m going to start this post in a slightly different way, humor me for a few minutes.
Imagine opening your eyes after sleeping for a full ten hours and not being able to find the motivation to leave your bed. That feeling of overwhelming aching in your limbs and the thoughts you usually have escaping you. And then all of a sudden a wave nausea hits you, and you feel like you’re going to throw up. But what is there to throw up? Considering you haven’t eaten anything substantial in a couple of days.
It feels like your heart is going to fall out of your throat, and suddenly, you’re choking. You’re choking because the heartbeats from your inside your chest are pounding, it’s pounding like you just ran a marathon but instead of adrenaline going through your veins and mind. It’s an overwhelming feeling of dread, despair, discomfort. And you’re desperately grasping onto the air around you, onto the world around you, trying to go back to what you were not even a day before. Only to realize that you can’t. You’ve found yourself in this hole of anxiety, surrounded by sudden thoughts analyzing everything you do.
Your roommates come in, and say hi to you, and you have class in a few hours. You smile at them, understanding that they too have their issues and that you should be empathetic and aware of them. So you push away your thoughts, you push away your pain, you try to calm the choking, and pretend like it’s not there. But it slips into your behavior the rest of the day, every word you speak sounds desperate. You have to pause after everything to catch your breathe, you have to place one hand on your chest to soothe the loud and heavy pounding from inside of you. You remain choking, uncomfortable, and wanting to hurl all day. You are on edge every single minute, and when you temporarily forget it and recognizes that you had.. The feeling all comes back twice as hard.
And once you lie down again that night, your body feels exhausted. However your brain remains alert, awake, and in panic. And you find yourself reflecting on the whole day and how off you were that day compared to other days, and how you had let your anxiety and panic get to you again. Your mind keeps wandering until it just turns off, and you fall asleep in an anxious state. Until tomorrow.
And that’s how I’ve been feeling for the past four days, talk about panic disorder. I figured it was all of my mental illnesses coming to remind me that as high functioning, productive, and positive as I am they still exist and fight their way out occasionally. They have to remind me once in awhile that no matter how much I try to pretend I’m okay, they will forever live inside me.
It’s tough to be “high functioning” as it is to not be. I can’t remember the last time I felt anxious and let myself take a rest day, or try to cut out the triggers in my life. I can’t remember the last time I prioritized my mental health or anxieties over anything else happening in my life.
It goes back to the day I was quitting (or trying to quit) and my manager telling me frankly that she was frustrated with me. She told me that the way I was acting, the times I called out because my anxiety became too much, the moods that I have gone into work with, are not going to fly in many of my future career environments. Many of my future employers were not going to be lenient or understanding of my mental health, or frankly care about me on that personal level. And I agreed with her, so recently I’ve been trying not to let my anxiety overcome me. There are good days, great days, and then there were days like these where it is so overwhelmingly present right next to me.
It’s like this short french animated film, In Between.
My anxiety is the alligator and forever gets in the way of everything I’m doing from work to presentations, to speaking on the phone, people, etc. But trying to pretend it isn’t there isn’t happening, and I don’t know how to calm down my anxiety when it comes. My anxiety drifts in and out as it pleases, leaving me on days and then heavily punching me in the face on other days. But that is just my little speech about how I’ve been feeling lately, and there’s an overwhelming worry I have that I’m not working enough to cover a lot of my expenses, but I can’t work anymore because then I’ll stress myself out. So that’s always fun.
To make things more fun, I had an argument with my mother quite recently. I told her I was going to move into an apartment, and as every mother bird always does, she adamantly refuses. She wants me to stay home with her and my father, and if you all haven’t read the story of my parents yet. Home is a very very very toxic environment. Being home was a tough experience for me, the people around me, the atmosphere, the arguing. The constant nagging of my mother asking me for money, the constant reminder from my parents that I’m working too much, but is not making enough.
The constant: “Cindy, why are you still at this job? You need to focus on grades.” To the “Why don’t you have another job, you need to make more money?” oh let’s not forget the “Hey Cindy, I’m behind on bills. Can you spare me two hundred?” Directly leading to, “What do you mean you spent ten dollars on food?! You need to be more careful!” then my favorite “How are you going to do anything with your life, if you’re so lazy?”
Listen. I appreciate my parents for getting me where I am but there comes a point where I don’t want to be around it anymore, the minute I am able to get a well paying job and support myself I will do it. I can’t handle anymore of mother scratching at my door for money, that I earned. I can’t argue with her anymore about things that really do not garner arguments or long talks about my future. She always wants things to go her way, all the money to go to her, all the arguments to end with me apologizing. And if there’s one thing I learned from my college experience clearly. Some people you will never get an apology from no matter how difficult you try. Some people will just never see things the way you do, and they will never understand your anxieties and your perspectives.
I expected her to say things like I don’t know how you’re going to afford living in an apartment, and such. But it still was disappointing to hear it, my mother never really supports me in any things in life. And to be completely honest I live my life, trying to impress her and one day get her to say that I made her proud. But it’s a lost cause, my mother will only be proud when she is wealthy and clinging by my side constantly, as I am her source of income and emotional support animal. It’s kind of harsh to put it like that, but that’s what it is.
She treats me like an adult, making me out to be one when she wants me to financially support her. From what I understand an adult helps their parents with money, not a struggling college student. And then when I converse with her like an adult about things, she calls me a child and immature. She says I don’t know what I’m doing, or saying. Or disobedient.
So over the phone I asked her, as a test to see if she could really understand things from my perspective. I asked her what she thought that I thought about living with her and the environment. She only said face value things, the house was dirty, cramped, and that I hated her. She always says I hate her. Always.
“Hey mom, I’m moving out.” “You hate me!”
“Hey, I’m going out to eat with my friends.” “You hate me!”
“… Mom, you’re so funny. I love you.” “You just want something, you really hate me!”
It drives me nuts, and every single time I’m talking with her and I’m trying to tell her about my anxieties and wanting to grow up and leave the nest. She always says it’s because I hate her.
So anyways, I continued and asked her if she thought I was lazy. She told me that me being at home and not being abel to move was my fault. She told me that I was just lazy, and that the reason why I slept in so much and avoided talking to people, or panicked was because I didn’t exercise enough and that I was just lazy like my father. She said “I can’t help you, Cindy. That’s just who you are. So that’s not my fault.” And I asked her if she knew about depression, and she said: “Oh that again.”
How ever many times I explain to my mother that I have Panic Disorder, she will never understand it. She thinks I have asthma because of my panic attacks. I even had my doctor explain it to her twice in vietnamese already, my aunt verify its existence, and showed her countless of videos. She just doesn’t get it. Everything I do is just me being lazy, or worrying too much, or being dramatic.
Either way, after this conversation I got my answer loud and clear. I’m over here analyzing how she’s feeling, and what I say to her might sound harsh, and thinking about what if I did live at home. Thinking about what could happen, will happen, might happen if I stay living with my parents. The only reason I would be staying is for her, and otherwise I would be miserable and angry everyday. But she’s just listening to my perspective and refusing to understand where I’m coming from. I have argued with her one too many times, and I told her that. I told her I didn’t want to argue anymore, that she and I will never come to understand each other.
And at the end of that conversation, she was crying and I for once didn’t feel bad. You know conversations will never go the way you planned it, but if you get everything off your chest it feels comforting. So I will move out soon, and if she won’t support me. My father will, sort of, and I guess I’ll be working a lot more to leave the nest completely.
Which leads to me being completely broke! Okay so I’m dramatic, I have some money in my bank account, but since I am now working less. It’s obvious that I won’t be spending as much as I used to, which is hard for me because as a KPOP person, comebacks are happening literally every month. And I have to buy food, since the school dining hall makes my stomach feel weird.
And since I have no money, I missed out on meeting my Queen & Chanyeol this year. That’s right, I can’t go and meet or high five Hyuna because really I have no money to book a bus to Newark and then go to her concert. Although she’ll be right there, and I MISSED HER. -weeps- And then in addition EXO is coming in April, and since that’s happening and the tickets surely will be $$$$$, I can’t go to that either -weeps furiously- Also who thought it was a good idea to make their concert on a Tuesday, in the middle of my finals week?! WHY?!
-sighs- So I’ll not meet my queen, or the sunshine of my life this year. That’s okay. I’ll live, I guess. I think I’m going to spend most of this year making money to try and pay for my rent, living expenses, and possibly my future dog to be completely honest. I need to somehow make enough to support myself so that I can completely cut off my parents, I don’t want to depend on them anymore unless I really have to. So I’m trying to fix that “really have to” part. I’ll figure it out.. maybe. -face palm-
But all of this stress and anxiety had led me into the most strange and slightly terrifying dream I’ve had since probably I was twelve. I haven’t had a nightmare since I was twelve I think, not anything that woke me up. But apparently today, my brain decided to bring the nightmare back.
I couldn’t remember most of it, but remembered the tail end of it quite clearly. From the beginning I remember going back into my hotel room, assuming that the person sitting on the hotel room chair was me. She was an asian girl dressed up in this slightly glittery pink dress, and heels. Then all of a sudden it kind of shifts, and (this was probably because I watched kpop star before my nap) then JYP and someone else drove up in a black van. I don’t know who the other guy was and took this girl, who I still believed to be me, but I was looking at her from third person and drove her off somewhere. It was really dark outside all of a sudden, and I remember JYP saying that I had to do better, and that this collaboration was a big part of my career. I remember being really scared of him, and thinking he was really mean but that he was yelling at me and treating me that way for my benefit.
So we got to this dark house, that looks super eery. And I get out of the car, I want to say the name Baek A Yeon came up somewhere. Like the solo singer from JYP? But I don’t know if I was her, or she was on the car or I was supposed to be like her. I don’t know but anyways I get shoved into this building, and it was nice place but kind of cramped and dim-lighted. And there’s Monsta X jumping out at me from out of nowhere, I think they told me that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way that I was by JYP and explained to me what living in the eery house was like. How free they were, etc. I remember feeling really happy and free with them for a bit, and starting to really like the collaboration. But then somehow I fell asleep in one of the beds in the house, next to my mother. And I had a dream inside of the dream? Kind of?
The song I Started a Joke by ConfidentialMX featuring Becky Hansen came on.
And suddenly in my dream inside of the dream, I started floating. And I couldn’t move, it was like dying but not dying. My mind was awake, and my eyes looking around while I was floating but I couldn’t move. It was like I went through sleep paralysis inside the dream, and couldn’t wake up from the dream inside the dream. So I tried my best to break out of it, out of the dream. I remember trying to wreck my body trying to turn and move to the best of my strength but not being able to move. The song kept playing and I was floating, there were instances where I wanted to give up. But I kept trying, Monsta X came out in my dream and tried to hug me and hold me back from floating. They kept trying to help me stretch my limbs, and it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t move, but I could hear myself inside my dream trying to break out of the dream that I had. I screamed, “Mom, mom help me.” But the mother in the dream didn’t flinch or move, she just turned away and I cried.
And then I woke up. From that dream, and this dream.
I don’t even stan, Monsta X.
I tried to look up what it meant, and according to Psychic Library.
Having dreams of paralysis means that I have a lot of insecurities in my like maybe relating to work, finances, family, or relationships that are unresolved and are hanging over my head. It also means that I’ve been stuffing my feelings and have not been expressing them. It could also mean that I had a very rigid and inflexible childhood upbringing.
Which now that I reflect on it, is completely true.
So as a result of my anxiety and issues with my family, my body awarded me a stress nightmare. -claps-
Now I have to do a lot of homework that I’ve been putting off. “What doing homework on a Saturday?” Yes. Because for some odd reason I am working tomorrow, even though I’m not supposed to work on Sundays anymore. I am working a long eight hours tomorrow, especially since I had an awful day at work last Sunday. -rolls eyes- I need another job, basically.
But now that I’m awake, I’m probably going to eat something, shower, and then go do homework and hopefully I’ll feel better. The nightmare gave me a headache and a possible existential crisis.
But until next time. GOOD VIBES! Please send some my way also. -blows kisses-