I am in such a low right now, but like maybe writing a blog will help? Who knows.
I AM IN SUCH A LOW, which if anyone who has depression, or has had some knowledge of it. It’s so negative. Not to sound so poetic but it’s a constant rain cloud over your head, that won’t stop. And when you try to look at the bright space outside of the raining area, the rain drops just hit your face reminding you of how awful you feel. Like awful.
I don’t know what’s causing it but if I had to guess, it’d be Finals & Work. As per usual work is always stressful. But to top that off with finals, life is just throwing it all at me. Now usually finals are fine for me because I know I’ll be okay, and it will get done. But I’m not doing so well in one class that it’s freaking me out. I freak out over the same reason every semester, and it usually works out so I’m hoping my luck doesn’t fail me now. But you know when you’re going to a bougie, wealthy school on a scholarship based on your GPA, you just really worry about your grades. I wish I had some money to lean back on but I don’t. Sucks.
And in addition to that, it’s not like work has been easier on me. I’m working less but still enough to be exhausting during Finals. Trust me, waking up at 7:30 on a Wednesday after fixing up a thirty minute powerpoint presentation and writing a ten page essay for two different classes. Not to mention trying to fit eating in between. You know. Finals. Then working twelve more hours during the weekend, the only time I can catch up on my sleep and work on things without worrying about class. Mind you I have a a week left before the semester ends. Which is fine whatever, I can do it. This is life. Life is hard, I can’t complain all the time. There are people that have been through worse and can tough it out. Whatever. So I go into work every week, and especially this week. Let me tell you, this week, lack of sleep, with a Red Bull in my hand. I was to sign the floor which is something I come in early every Wednesday to do, and the gun to do it is missing so I spend time looking for it, and then it malfunctions and I have to restart it. And it’s taking up thirty to forty minutes to do that, I’m not even exaggerating. So of course I’m behind, whatever. It’s fine, I’ll try to rush it. But if I rush it, I’ll miss things because I’m not paying attention and get yelled at. So I’m trying to be thorough, but of course I’m going too slow so my manager reminds me to go faster and that many other people want this position but because she likes me and wants me to have a break from selling for my benefit she gave it to me so I should do better. Which is to me nice scolding that really means, you need to be faster. She also reminded me that last week, I messed up the entire floor during an official visit that made us looked bad but you know whatever. What gets me is that I dread going to work, I dread it more than I do going to class. I dread it more than living with my parents. It’s the one thing in my life that I can name that is making me downright miserable, but I need the job I need the money and it’s life. So suck it up, Cindy. You can do it. You can stick it through. Whatever.
But every single time I go in, and it’s always when I’m unsuspecting. On a day when I think I’m doing well, or wow I’m on a roll. Or okay I’m happy, I can do this. It’s always a day when I am in this positive mood, and happy or happy with myself at least. It’s when my manager pulls me aside. The last conversation we had was about how my support help was good but my selling sucked, and that I wasn’t making sales. And not cleaning at all (which is something I do, but whatever), also that I stand my the cash wrap a lot which I’m not supposed to do. Some of which I agreed with, but as per usual she pulled me aside during a rush and I felt like I was doing well. Not to mention when I told her I was panicked because of the crowds but pushing through it to do sales, she told me I was lying because I did so well on Black Friday. Which is so irritating because she wasn’t there at midnight, I was panicking on Black Friday but like Black Friday I wasn’t going to stop, fall to the ground and have a panic attack. I work through it. It wasn’t effecting my work, so I don’t see why I had to be told I was lying about my own anxiety. But whatever.
So this morning I sat in my marketing presentation, and the group was presenting about Sephora. And like okay, whatever. I’m allergic to like 90% of makeup and their sales associate sound like a lot more customer friendly than where I work now. Never was really into it, you know. But then my brain trailed off during the presentation and I realized, I would rather work at Sephora than where I am now. And that led me to different thoughts I’d rather work at a lot of different places other than where I am now. So I found myself leaving class with the lingering dread in me, and I searched up how to know you want to leave your job or if your job is good for you, etc. Stuff like that.
The first question was is it making you miserable?
And yes. It is. Very much so.
I need another job first or at least an internship, so I’m going to try and suck it up for now. So I go to check my schedule for tomorrow, and surprise surprise. I’m the only one closing tomorrow. We close at ten and everyone leaves at 8 which usually wouldn’t be too bad but we’ve had massive rushes at odd times for the past two weeks. And I mean rushes where the department is packed and there are lines that wrap around. But that’s fine I guess, it’s not like I haven’t closed alone before. Oh but I also have to clean after myself. Right, clean, sell, and ring out all of my customers at the same time. -claps- But I can’t complain right? Because I suck at my job.
And I can’t quit because I don’t want to have the same conversation I had with my manager again, and this was what I was afraid of. I should’ve left back then, because now I find myself in the same place I was before. And I don’t want to talk with her about how much of a big disappointment I am. I don’t want to talk to her at all. Actually.
Rant over, but like my annoyance is still there.
Anyways back to my mental state, I’m not sure what it is. If it’s my roommates living off campus next semester as am I but we’re not together. So I’m feeling a bit lonely and detached, or the fact that I hate my job, or the fact I’m scared of failing or dying before finals are over. Or the fact I’m not eating enough, or the fact that I haven’t eaten properly or slept properly in three weeks. Or the fact that due to my lack of sleep, anxiety, and depression. I’ve been thinking everyone just thinks I’m annoying, clingy, or unresponsive. That I’m always doing something wrong, or that I did something to make people mad at me. Not answering a text on time, not reading a text, being a burden to others, being clingy, listening too much, not listening enough. I just feel like everything I’m doing is wrong, my presentations aren’t good enough, my behavior isn’t good enough. I am miserable, I am unhappy, I am depressed. With anxious thoughts that keep me from dealing with my depression in an effective way.
It’s days like these that I remember that I am still struggling, I’m much better of a person than I was before. I deal with my problems better, I know how to act now, and I know which thoughts are stupid and which are not. I know the difference between paranoia and not. And I know how to try and not let it effect me, but I’m being drained from all aspects of my life. Social, Work, School, Home. All of it, nothing in my life seems to be stable or going well. And I know things will be better but I need it to happen soon, because right now? It’s dark. It’s bleak. I’ve never felt worse about myself.
It’s lonely and negative.
I also missed the EXO concert, to give an update, which now is even like whatever. My life has been so stressful and depressing that even the concert seemed like an obligation, which it shouldn’t be. Chanyeol should never be an obligation, and I felt awful for missing it, but I would’ve felt awful if I went. So I decided to be there in spirit instead and focused on finals.
SORRY YA’LL THIS WAS A REALLY SAD UPDATE.
On the bright side, I listened to Wine produced by Yoongi for Suran, the song is totally amazing. I loved it. It’s super chill, like a good morning song for sure. Also I think Fairy Tail is coming back in September, andI have some of my VMIN scrapbook done! 🙂
So that’s okay at least, small things so far. But that’s better than nothing. I guess! 🙂 🙂 🙂
I hope the next update will be a better one, hopefully I will find another job soon (to be completely honest). Either way.
Good vibes to you all, hope you all are doing better than I!