HEY EVERYONE, as per usual I am updating you, to let you know I’m alive
& doing a lot better.
Isn’t Jimin like the cutest, most precious, and soft boy ever? Like. -weeps sentimentally-
ANYWAYS, hello everyone! I’m still alive, this blog is still alive, I’m taking a class next semester to try and improve my blog writing and such, so maybe that’ll help me with this stuff. I’ll get better at updating, I also think that living at home I will update more. I just need to save up for a camera and start vlogging, alongside blogging. You know, big goals, nothing new. I’m overly ambitious, and tend to fail my own high expectations. But at least I have goals and big visions! 😀
I’ve been in a mood lately, a mood that leaves me wanting to hang out with old friends, and people who I haven’t seen or talked to in forever. Also since my friends are most of the time too busy with their own lives to join me, I am indulging in myself a lot more. For example, I actually spent like a hundred and something dollars recently on updating my summer closet. BUT HEY, I need the clothes since I dress like a comfy potato on a daily. It means big sweaters, leggings, and boots. Which is not something you should wear when it’s over seventy degrees outside. But maybe I’m just justifying it, because I might have a spending problem.
In addition to shopping, I’ve become a bingeing fiend, A FIEND I TELL YOU, it’s actually quite unhealthy now that I think about it. I have binged the entirety of Grey’s Anatomy (well the seasons that are on Netflix at least, so all except Season 13). Which is a love hate relationship to be honest, I love it because it’s so interesting and I am completely in love with Alex Karev & McSteamy. But hate because sometimes characters just say or do things that make me want to pull my hair out and cry. MEREDITH COUGH. Ahem. But yeah, so Grey’s Anatomy. I half heartedly binged Family Guy & American Dad, it’s great white noise for writing fan fiction if anything, but like Netflix can reveal that I have been through both series. I skipped the first seasons for both because the graphics were janky tbh, which is I admit it was half-hearted bingeing. In addition to that I’m rewatching Fairy Tail.
See, I promised myself I wasn’t going to let myself be pulled into obsessing over another universe. What with my many phases and fandoms. KPOP (which is no longer a phase but an accepted reality of my life now), WWE, Justin Bieber, One Direction, Youtube, Naruto, Xiaolin Showdown, Greek Mythology, Marvel, DC, Total Drama (All of them), Free, Black Butler, Hetalia, Kuroko No Basket, Gintama, Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Pokemon… Bring Me The Horizon, -insert emo bands of my past-
Yeah so as much as I would love to just focus this entire blog into just KPOP and myself, that’s rather difficult because I like like a bajillion different things. As you can see I tend to watch or consume one thing, learn about the different intricacies of the fandom, and adapt to that identity. It makes me wonder, what in the world don’t I like? I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing to like a variety of such different things tbh. BUT HEY, for now since I’m positive (most of the time, as in I try to be but really it’s difficult), it’s a wonderful thing.
Which is why my video of the week has been BoA singing Masyume Chasing. It’s just so darn catchy, and happy. I can just picture the Fairy Tail mages and their team work, and their successes. -weeps-. And every time I go to change the video of the week, I can’t bring myself to change it. Because the song starts in my head and I’m just dancing to it, and then I forget my purpose. Oops.
I’m rambling, look at me go. Wow. Good job, Cyndi. Bore people to death with your weirdness. Ahem.
My last blog post was a downer huh? YIKES. I reread it recently and pitied myself, but hey when you have depression, a low day is a LOW day. Sometimes you forget about your low days, when things are going okay, but then when it hits you. You can’t escape it. -shrugs- I’ll probably have more low posts in the future, but I’ll try to dilute this blog with happier posts to overshadow those. So that one day when I reread all my blog posts (which I will since this thing is like a journal tbh), I’ll be happier with my progress.
Speaking of progress (as I’ve noticed that is the recurring theme of this post), in addition to being an open-minded I love everything and obsess over it type of person. I’ve embraced my introverted side of my personality. Now usually I hate to be lonely as I’ve mentioned before, my friends are too busy to hang out with me. Which is a downer because I’m paranoid, and am constantly stuck in a loop of toxic thoughts about whether or not I actually have friends or am able to make friends.
But as an introvert opening up to new people who have different interests than me, is like the big bad wold trying to blow down that brick house. It’s like not happening, anytime soon. So I was like, what can I do? I mean I could try and talk to people? Tinder? But the thought of meeting a creep show and destroying my future vision of how exactly my life is going to go pops into my head and I’m just like whoops, there goes that idea.
So Cyndi, get used to being alone. Which is a work in progress, paranoia and abandonment are like big hills to tackle. Luckily, I’m not too far in my paranoia and can step back to look at it from other perspectives. Same with abandonment, because I can still logically reason through that too. So I’m starting small. I went shopping alone for the first time in the entirety of my life.
I’ve never done it.
I was literally freaking out, and my anxiety figuring out excuses to try and get me to go straight home after work. Cyndi, you’re tired you’ve been up since five and worked from 6 to 4 go home. Or treat yourself by going to five guys getting the exact same thing and going home immediately. Or you can go with this or that person on this or that day. Or try to convince your parents to take you when they have their next day off, on the same day as you. However I shoved all of those thoughts to the side, it was lonely as I had no one to talk to obviously. Not even lonely, it was like I’m so used to it. It was weird being so silent while shopping, but after awhile it was great. I had my headphones around my neck (big chunky ones because I lost my other ones, which I think I threw out with my Chinese food like last week but whatever). But jamming to Kpop while shopping alone, and just picking up whichever item I like is liberating, like the focus is on me.
Usually shopping with friends, I find myself being the support. You know, giving thumbs ups or downs for their outfits, and starting small conversations. Or when shopping with my mom, her yelling at me about how much clothes I’m buying. But not today (NO NOT TODAY), well not the other day, Ahem. Because I went shopping and bought the cutest clothes, and was so happy they all fit. And got them all for a great price. It was so amazing, and the fact that I spent money on something for myself for the first time in so long. Like I’ve had the same outfits in my closet since I kid you not eighth grade. SO I WAS SO LIT -weeps- & afterwards I went to Five Guys anyways, and grabbed myself food. Which for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, I finished. All of it!
YEP! ALL OF IT! My little bacon burger with lettuce, onions, and ketchup. And little fries. With a regular drink.
(Note to self, reflecting on this: Why do I order the same thing every single time? Every place I go, I pick one thing and order it every time I go there. Same thing every time. Hm.)
I might also be in a good mood because of the following: (In no particular order)
One: I worked that six day, back to back work week and lived to see the next week. Although the customers were awful (you know I’m starting to think that the place where I work in particular, our customers are LITERALLY the worst)
Two: ^ RESULTED IN THE BEST DAMN PAYCHECK THAT I HAVE EVER EARNED (even better than Black Friday! -weeps-)
Three: I PASSED ALL OF MY FINALS AND CLASSES. I literally held off looking my grades until just yesterday, our semester ended for like a month now. LOL. I was so worried, but my worries are as usual wrong, thank god. -weeps again-
Four: I met up with my old crew of friends the High School/Elementary/Childhood Friend squad twice in the past week, and everyone is doing well. We all still get along, and though things were awkward at first. Everyone is still happily connected with one another once again. STAY STRONG YA’LL ❤ ❤ ❤
Five: ^ One of the meet ups included an all you can eat sushi buffet, and all you can eat hotpot. Which honestly is all I need to say. I ate like there was no tomorrow. -weeps again-
Six: I reorganized the signing cart at work. YUP THIS IS SUCH A HIGH POINT THIS WEEK. So I woke up at 5 that day, and got to work at 6:30 AM. Saw a rat, and was like GREAT. But then I signed the floor in record time, did well during a visit, sold for a bit (reluctantly but you know), went to lunch, then came back and cranked out my mad focus/organization for three hours on this cart. All the stickers all organized by price points, the signs all labelled and placed in the right tabs. I filed all the new prices away in the correct tabs. -weeps again-
(Another self reflecting note: I see a possible future in being a secretary, filing and organizing is literally so much fun.)
AND SEVEN THE MOST IMPORTANT ACTUALLY.
My boys! -weeps again-
First of all they slayed the red carpet, them and their best dressed suits. They looked so friggin’ handsome! YES. Show those white people, that Asian people are talented and they dress like bosses. REPRESENT. (Okay yes they’re Korean, I’m Viet. But with the lack of Asian representation in the media, severely underrepresented, I will take what I can get -pathetic grin-).
I wasn’t going to do it, but I’m gonna rant. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.
FOR ALL OF YA’LL THAT ARE GIVING BTS HATE FOR WINNING. I’ll admit I’m an Army so I’m biased but let’s talk about this objectively. How can you go and diminish someone’s win like that? They deserve that award, their fan base is super loyal and love them and voted for them religiously every single day. Just like the Beliebers have for the past seven years. I don’t give a rat’s behind if you don’t listen to Kpop or don’t like it, or believe no one likes it. Obviously people do, or else BTS wouldn’t have won like this or broke Billboard records like they did. If you don’t like it, then don’t listen to it, don’t go as far as sending hate to the groups that worked their ass off to find success. How would you like it if you won an award you worked so hard for and people put you down? Bet you would be pissed, upset, etc.
Furthermore, BTS is really paving the way for Asian representation. Yes specifically they are a Korean boy group and Kpop is just Korean popular music. But like I said, a lot of Asian people living in America find it difficult to find anyone who’s like them in the media. As a child, we had Jasmine and Mulan who were Indian and Chinese, take a pick of the two. And in movies we were portrayed as the gangsters, bad guys, the ones with the accents and small eyes to be made fun of. We STILL are the people being pushed to side for more famous white actors, even in movies or shows that are released and published with ASIAN origins. Making fun of Asians for actually accomplishing something that white people have been doing since forever is not only rude but insulting.
And just because, I saw this one tweet about this person saying that people aren’t trying to break into the Asian market why is BTS trying to get into theirs? The reason why no one in America is trying to get into the Asian market is because unfortunately a lot of Americans (a large majority) don’t understand that outside of the US & the US Music Charts there are other countries, other cultures, other markets. There are things invented in other places that we will never understand or have. There are not only Korean Music Charts, but British ones, Japanese ones, Vietnamese ones, French ones, Chinese ones, Swedish ones, I can go on forever. But for some reason, someone named the United States the most important and powerful music chart and these people ignore the others as if they don’t exist. They do. There are bands and different musical genres that you have never heard of or might not like but that doesn’t make your music superior. There’s no hierarchy of music. And the US market isn’t exclusive, the United States Music Charts don’t just have music from people exclusively in the states. And if you want to argue with me on that, then Justin Bieber, Drake, The Weekend, Sia, Pink Floyd, Adele, Rihanna, Lorde, Ed Sheeran, Nicki Minaj, Shakira, and many more can serve as examples of artists who are not from America.
Okay my rant is over. Sorry for that but like seriously, let it sink in.
BUT BTS WAS SO AMAZING, I thought they were gonna perform because some people on twitter made it a big thing. But that turned out to be a floozy -shifts eyes- I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED THEY DIDN’T PERFORM. But like I get it, I’ll take what I can get. THEY WON THOUGH. I was about to be salty af if they didn’t win, like I would’ve thrown popcorn at the screen and wrote an angry letter describing how it was rigged. But I didn’t have to because they won. -grins and thumbs up-
MON-IE was so nervous! He repeated a few things and thanked us, and he was so proud. I could sense the pride coming from them, he was proud of us for voting and so proud of the group and how far they’ve gone. -weeps joyously-
And they met all of those celebrities! I’m so excited for them, getting their name out like that. It’s bittersweet because now they’re gonna become a household name, and these people (you know THOSE people) are going to make BTS into a cultural icon, until they get bored and move on, when that happens they will have developed a sub culture for themselves. BUT EITHER WAY, I’LL LOVE THEM TILL FOREVER.
Jeez this is a really long blog post, but like one more thing. JOON IF YOU EVER READ THIS, I thought the theory was over! Considering the videos somewhat explained what everything really meant, so like how come the BST Japanese MV set my heart aflame. MY SOUL FLOATED OUT OF MY BODY. Everything linking with I Need U. Tae’s ACID TRIP, and Jin dying but not really dying but like maybe Tae died because Hobi wanted to kill him?! But maybe JIMIN IS DEAD. AND WHY IS SUGAKOOKIE ALWAS FIGHTING?
^phew. Theories. Man. They take the life out of you.
Anywho! Thanks for reading 🙂 I’ll be back soon, promise~
Good vibes to everyone reading! Good night? (It’s night here, 12:58AM) If not good morning, day, evening, etc etc. ❤